There’sh a twitter account under the name @MundaneBond. I follow him/her, s/he followsh me. @MundaneBond only ever tweetsh one-linersh about what ‘Mundane Bond’ getsh up to. I’m amushed and rather admiring of thish move. Had thought about doing that too, when I began tweeting.
Shometimesh when @MundaneBond tweetsh a line, in reshponshe I do a ‘Classhic Retweet’ – i.e. putting shomething at the front of the messhage and retweeting it – but @MundaneBond never commentsh. Shometimesh I wonder if s/he ish annoyed. Shometimesh I think perhapsh s/he likesh it.
Anyway, today – feeling shlightly irritable and bored – I began to tell my own mundane shtory about ‘the two Bondsh’.
Bond thinksh @MundaneBond ish hiding in a cupboard.
Bond thinksh @MundaneBond might be a kind of hermit
Bond offersh @MundaneBond a pieshe of cheeshe on toasht
Bond makesh coochshy-coo noishesh to entishe @MundaneBond to enter the room
Bond pullsh the plug out of hish bath & wondersh what @MundaneBond ish thinking about it all
Bond opensh a packet of shortbread & putsh it back in the tin becaushe he hearsh @MundaneBond shcrabbling about under the floorboardsh
Bond ironsh all hish tiesh under a damp cloth, humming the theme tshune from The Invishible Man, hoping @MundaneBond will like it
Bond countsh hish teashpoonsh, the onesh with the aposhtlesh on them, & thinksh about hish auntie Morag. @MundaneBond hash no comment.
Bond writesh a wee shtory about @mundanebond & getsh it in the papersh.
Bond offersh a bowl of shoup to @MundaneBond, but he never turnsh up & the shoup getsh cold.
Bond inshpectsh hish shupply of potatoesh & wondersh if @mundanebond prefersh roasht, mashed or chipped.
Bond wrapsh up warm in hish old pringle’sh golf cardigan & shetsh off for a walk in the hillsh. @MundaneBond trailsh behind.
Bond hash brought a wee flashk of tea with him. @MundaneBond looksh on envioushly ash Bond pourhs only one cup & replashesh the top.
Bond callsh up Q to ashk for a weather forecasht. @MundaneBond wishesh he had brought an anorak on the trip.
Bond tidiesh up the cooker after making a vegetable curry. @MundaneBond hidesh behind the shofa.
Bond putsh on hish tartan pyjamash. @MundaneBond creepsh into the pocket. They fall ashleep quickly & dream of their alter egosh. The End